What Sirius Heard
by AlwaysFidelius
Summary: Sirius hears some...interesting...sounds from behind closed doors—could it be his innocent cousin and his not-so-innocent friend? Rated T for suggestive themes, but nothing graphic!


**Hello, everyone! This is a sort of awkward one-shot that I thought of whilst cleaning my bedroom. It's rated teen for highly-suggestive-ness but nothing graphic! Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or any of the characters, etc. etc!**

What Sirius Heard

It had been a long day, Sirius thought wearily as he ascended Grimmauld Place's narrow, steep staircase. Two Order meetings, a talk about guard duty that he had been unable to escape, and a rather unpleasant visit from Severus Snape.

_Someone ought to be paying me for this. _He trailed a thin finger along the banister, sending dust floating through the still, dark hallway. Despite the multiple people staying in the house, an aura of neglect lingered.

Sirius was pondering just how long it would take t clean the place up (even using loads of magic, he guessed a few months) when he passed the upstairs bathroom, and, hearing a loud and slightly anguished groan, paused.

Sirius Black considered himself quite a playboy (or at least, he had been, you know, back in the day...), and he knew the sound of a passion-ridden woman when he heard one. This, he thought, certainly qualified. In the bathroom. At ten o'clock at night. What. The. Hell.

_Maybe I was hearing things..._he assured himself. Certainly none of the _children _were committing such a lewd act! No, it must be an Order member. The thought nearly made Sirius shudder, and was about to get the hell out of there when he heard it again. A woman's voice. A young woman's voice. Specifically, a voice belonging to his cousin. To Nymphadora Tonks, who was always cheerful and always endearingly clumsy.

"R-Remus..." A shuddering moan.

_Oh, Merlin's beard. Shit. Shitshitshitshitshit. _Sirius was horrified—what was going_ on_ in there?

"Put your hand there, Tonks." Yep. Those were definitely the dulcet tones of one Remus John Lupin. Sirius's eyes nearly bugged out when he heard another...passionate...sound. A sort of moan, and then,

"Am I hurting you, Tonks? Tell me if I am."

"It's stupid that I'm worried about it hurting"

_What? _Sirius gaped—from the sounds of it, Remus was in there, alone with Tonks and about to snatch away his little cousins' innocence!

_I won't let it happen! _Sirius mustered his bravado and prepared to burst through the door. So what if Remus was one of his best friends? So what if they had known each other since childhood? This was family he was talking about, and Sirius didn't take the matter of family lightly.

"It won't hurt—just put your hand there, Tonks, so I don't pull you over. Is that alright?"

"Yes," A soft sound that bordered on a moan (very lustful, Sirius thought with disgust) and then, "Harder, Remus! Harder!"

"I'm trying my hardest." Remus said. Sirius distinctly heard him groan, the sort of sound one might make when pushing something heavy across a floor. That was that, he thought. Time to take acti—

"No, keep going! Don't stop!" Tonks said loudly. A sort of scuffling noise followed, and then a yelp.

"OW!" Tonks gasped; Sirius felt a sudden, flaming anger overtake his insides—he turned on his heels and shot through the door, wand held aloft and ready to inflict serious pain on Lupin.

"SIRIUS!" Tonks shrieked, leaping like a cat whose tail he had stepped on. "You _scared _me!"

"What..." Sirius froze, rooted to the spot. "What the bloody hell..."

The scene was far, far removed from what he had conjured in his mind. Tonks was perched on the bathroom counter, facing Remus. They were both fully clothed, he noted, and Remus was tugging on a clunky-looking metal bracelet on her wrist.

"Mundungus sold it to me an hour ago," Tonks said somewhat sheepishly, showing Sirius the bracelet. "I put it on and now it won't come off. Jinxed, I think, and I've tried every spell in the book—every spell, I tell you!"

"Looks like Mundungus has got himself into some pretty heavy duty stuff," Remus said mildly. "Though Fred and George might be able to help you in the morning. I'm afraid that if your Auror training can't remove it, my teaching skills are hardly useful."

"Thanks, though!" Tonks said brightly, hopping off the counter; she slipped a little, and Remus quickly steadied her. "I feel like such an idiot." Then, seeing Sirius's wide eyes and pale face, "Are you okay? You look kind of sick."

"Those sounds..." Sirius managed. "What..."

"Remus was trying to pull the bracelet off. It was a little painful, and Remus almost fell over trying to get it off." Tonks gave him a slightly suspicious glance. "What did you _think _we were doing?"

"Nothing," Sirius muttered, bracing himself on the counter. He was breathing very quickly and avoiding Remus's gaze. "Nothing at all..."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: So...what did you think? Too suggestive? Did I creep anyone out? (If I did, I am sincerely sorry!) Feel free to leave a review—and let it be known that I've read a lot of fanfictions similar to this, for many different fandoms, so this idea of someone hearing people doing random stuff and thinking that they're doing 'something else' is not my original idea, per se. However, the bracelet part and everything else is! :D Thanks for reading, guys!**


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